International Love

Its really sad, you have something really special with someone, and there is no fighting, nothing that changed in the relationship, and you sit across a table in a cafe with them, after not seeing them for about 5 1/2, almost 6 months, except on Skype, and you stare into their eyes, and they stare back, and you know deep down this intense feeling of passion and romance, love and admiration, curiosity and excitement still exists between you both, because no one says a word, and yet you both keep staring, the minutes linger and drag-on, no one is going to be the first to look away, yet the person sitting across from you, she has basically just stated that she knows that we you'll never be together again because she's back with her ex-boyfriend of 5 years, and who she has known for about 12 years or so, who lives in Budapest all the time and was there when she was lonely over the winter, figuring out what to do with this love situation with an American guy who plays baseball for a living, based in Detroit, scouts all over Europe, and now has gotten a job coaching the national baseball team in her country (because of her). You tell her that you are going to be in her city, a foreign place to you, many times over the ensuing months, and it would be good to see her, do things, hang out, just be friends - because you treasure her companionship, because you just love to hang out with her, even if it's not on a romantic level - she can't understand why you are not angry that she suddenly changed her mind (or just ran away from something hard for something easy) and decided to commit back to her ex at sometime in February or March. She tells you that she can't do it, and you ask her why not, especially since you are the party that has been hurt/harmed in this instance, she replies with - her boyfriend is extremely jealous and doesn't want her to see you. What can you say to this information? What can you do? Nothing, you just sit and look at her, and she gazes back - and that connection you felt in October in Detroit, last July in Budapest, in August 2009 in Amsterdam, and in July of that year in Rimini Italy - it comes rushing back, you don't say anything because you know she feels it too, but what can you do? You play baseball in Hamburg, you go to law school in Detroit, and you are about to get this job scouting around Europe, all over Europe - Italy, Spain, Netherlands... but you know, deep down, this girl is as perfect match as they come, I mean why else would both of you guys try to attempt this impossible thing of being together worlds and cultures apart, so many hours and time zones away... you know, because she has said, if you were there in Budapest during the winter, obviously she would have never gotten back with her ex, and you guys would be together now, but she was lonely, she rekindled something and now this is what she wants... someone who is so insecure they forbid her from doing what she wants to do, living her life... and this strong minded, independent thinking, and intelligent woman agrees to be in it. You know other things - because you know her family a bit, and asked someone close to her, for some guidance while you are in this foreign culture and land... without even bringing up the subject she interjected over coffee that your girl was scared, she pretty much ran away from the tough decision she faced to have something stable and secure there all the time for her. Knowing this information, what can you say? What can you offer? What can you do? Except gaze back, reminisce about the past months and recall every waking and non-waking moment together, how special it was, how you even decided to get a job in her country, a country where you have zero connections to, in your professional field - and realize that nothing has changed for you and that's what hurts most, because this happens sometimes in your life - because of your goals, because of your talents, because of your character... you try so hard, especially when you want something so bad and when it comes to the reciprocity from others, because of the nature of your lifestyle or societal pressure in the 21st century on women and relationships, you end up back to square 1. Alone in your room in Hamburg, writing emails about your most recent and greatest, lost love, and wondering how it could have went wrong and what you could have done to fix it. Thus is the life of an international baseball vagabond. Eventually you go out and pitch in 48 hours, shrug it off, enjoy your teammates company, take some law school exams, go scout for MLB, meet other women and experience the same of what you always have... and the question lingers in the back of your mind, the feeling never really goes away, the minutes that felt like hours that was really a few years, sitting in a sunlit and smoke-filled cafe called Castro, a few hours before boarding a plane back to your crazy professional baseball life in Hamburg and gazing into those complex and perplexing green eyes.... wondering if you'll ever be able to see them in that light again.